Dealing with Unsolicited Advice: Navigating Conversations with Confidence
Few things can be as frustrating as unsolicited advice. It’s something we’ve all encountered at one point or another. While the intention is often (but not always) good, it can feel condescending when somebody offers feedback unprompted.
Feedback, when asked for, is one of the most valuable tools you have for improvement. And to be clear, we aren’t talking about solicited feedback here. We are talking about times when you get input and suggestions from others that you haven’t requested.
How should you handle this unsolicited advice? Ideally, with grace, while maintaining confidence. But that isn’t always easy. Here are some tips that you might find useful next time you are hit with a piece of advice you didn’t ask for.
How to Receive Unsolicited Advice
Take a Second
The reaction you might want to take immediately is not always the best way to respond. While it may be tempting to tell the person who gave you the unsolicited advice exactly what you think, it’s worth taking a step back and considering your strategy. Depending on how you respond, this could be a net positive or a net negative event in your career.
Acknowledge and Appreciate
As frustrating as it is, you should consider the aim of the advice giver. Of course, there may be times when unsolicited advice is used to undermine a person or get in their head, but the vast majority of advice is given with good intentions. The first thing you can do is acknowledge the effort behind it. For example:
"Thank you for that! I appreciate you trying to help me.”
This statement shows gratitude and acknowledges the other person's intent. However, it is important not to stop there, and tackle the root cause – otherwise, you leave the door open, and this will likely happen again.
Ask Why They Gave the Advice
Curiosity is a powerful tool, especially when the advice feels condescending or unnecessary. When someone offers advice that seems obvious or irrelevant, you can engage them with genuine curiosity. Ask questions like:
"I'm curious, what made you say that?"
“Was there anything I did that prompted this feedback?”
This approach helps you understand the other person’s perspective and transforms the interaction into a productive conversation. By asking why someone gave the advice, it can sidestep any feelings of defensiveness or dismissal.
Set Boundaries
Don’t linger on the conversation too long. Once you understand the intent and reasons behind the advice, it’s time to set some boundaries. Setting boundaries is essential for maintaining your mental and emotional well-being. Do this in a firm but polite way – being kind and direct can help convey your message. For example:
"I know you mean well, but I'd prefer to make my own decisions on this."
"If I need advice, I'll be sure to come to you. Right now, I'm okay with how things are going."
These statements are respectful yet firm, making it clear that while you appreciate their intent, you are confident in your own decisions.
Why Unsolicited Advice Can Be Problematic
You may be guilty of giving unsolicited advice every now and then. Most people accidentally wade into this quagmire every so often in their careers, but it’s worth thinking about why it can be so problematic.
Unsolicited advice can often feel like an intrusion into your personal space and autonomy. It can imply that the advisor doubts your ability to handle situations on your own, and undermines the person you are giving feedback to. Here are a few reasons why unsolicited advice can be problematic:
It Can Be Condescending: Receiving advice you didn’t ask for can make you feel like the other person doesn't trust your judgment. This is especially prevalent in coworkers where power dynamics or gender and racial identities are a factor – giving feedback outside the proper format and without thought can be seen as a microaggression.
It Disrupts Your Flow: Unwanted advice can interrupt your thought process or plan of action, causing frustration and doubt. This is especially true when unsolicited feedback comes at the wrong time in a project lifecycle – many people have distinct work styles when looking for feedback, and feedback is most valuable when sought after, rather than foist upon.
It Can Strain Relationships: Constantly receiving unsolicited advice can create tension and resentment in relationships, making interactions less enjoyable. Interpersonal dynamics are tricky, and it is best to have formal, agreed upon times of feedback within the work environment.
Strategies for Giving Advice Thoughtfully
If you find yourself in a position where you want to offer advice, consider taking a different approach.
Ask for Permission: Before giving advice, ask if the person is open to hearing your thoughts. "Would you like some advice on this?" is a good way to start. Be respectful to the answer – if someone communicates that they would rather not hear feedback at that time, then keep your advice to yourself until they ask for it.
Offer Support, Not Solutions: Sometimes, people just need to vent or think out loud. Offer your support by listening rather than immediately jumping in with solutions. Talking the problem out can often lead a person to “discover” the feedback on their own.
Be Empathetic: Put yourself in the other person's shoes and consider how they might feel receiving advice. Think deeply – is this the right time for this advice? Even if the timing is right, it is important to try to understand how someone will feel when receiving feedback.
Wait Until Formal Feedback Opportunities: Consider patience. Despite your good intentions, it may be the best option to hold onto your advice until feedback is solicited.
Unsolicited Feedback is Inevitable
People generally want to give advice (some more than others), so it’s worth thinking about your reaction and having a rough strategy in place for when you get unsolicited feedback. Unsolicited advice may come from a place of care, but knowing how to handle it effectively will ensure you remain in control of your own path.
By acknowledging the intent, getting curious, and setting clear boundaries, you can navigate these conversations with confidence and grace.
Meridith Marshall is the CEO and Founder of Uncharted Way and has seen firsthand how people and organizations can navigate the most difficult of circumstances with clarity and openness to improve employee experience and culture in their workplace. She is an industry-recognized expert in using a data-driven approach and is a therapist and certified Co-Active coach.