The Art of An Apology: Owning Mistakes and Making Amends
“errare humanum est” – To Err is Human
Mistakes are inevitable; nobody is perfect, and we all make missteps occasionally. Most of the time, these faults don’t define us. Rather, how we respond to lapses in care or judgment can make a significant difference.
Whether it's a careless remark made in a high-stress moment, missing an important meeting, or even more serious transgressions, there will come a time in your career when you are in the wrong and need to apologize. How you tackle this apology can be pivotal, potentially repairing the situation or further damaging the relationship.
Taking accountability and offering a sincere apology is an art form. While a simple apology is powerful, it often requires strategic thought. The way you apologize is just as important as the apology itself, and a good apology can build trust and even strengthen a relationship. A bad apology can make the entire situation worse.
The Science of an Effective Apology
At Uncharted Way, we like to root our strategies in science and data. Luckily for us, there have been significant scientific studies on how people apologize, and the best approach to take when making amends.
Research by Roy Lewicki and his team at The Ohio State University’s Fisher College of Business conducted experiments with 755 participants to understand the impact of different strategies when making an apology. According to their findings, apologies are most effective when they include as many of these six elements as possible:
Expression of Regret: A simple “I’m sorry” goes a long way in expressing regret and acknowledging that something went wrong.
Explanation of What Went Wrong: Providing a clear and concise explanation helps the offended party understand the context and reason behind the mistake.
Acknowledgment of Responsibility: Accepting responsibility shows maturity and honesty. It demonstrates that you are not trying to shift the blame onto others.
Declaration of Repentance: Clearly stating that you will strive not to repeat the mistake can reassure the other party of your intentions to change.
Offer of Repair: Proposing a way to make amends or rectify the situation shows that you are committed to addressing the harm caused.
Request for Forgiveness: Asking for forgiveness can be a powerful gesture, indicating that you value the relationship and are seeking to move forward.
Interestingly, not all these components were given equal weight. According to the research, the most important element was an Acknowledgement of Responsibility. People care when you take ownership of the mistake that you have made – and verbally acknowledging that is a key part of making an apology. An example of accepting responsibility is saying ‘I’m sorry for missing the deadline, it was my oversight’ instead of ‘I’m sorry the deadline was missed.’ Closely following the importance of the ownership of responsibility was the Offer of Repair – even if there is no clear way of repairing the situation other than promising to change in the future.
Focusing on Impact Over Intent
Mistakes are just that – mistakes. But even if the injury wasn’t intended, the impact is still felt by the hurt party. So often, we don’t mean anything by our actions – we aren’t usually trying to intentionally harm someone.
Intentions matter, but not as much as impact. It is crucial to prioritize the feelings and experiences of those affected over explaining why the mistake occurred. So don’t try to over-explain the intent of the original incident, because that matters less than the effect on the person you are apologizing to. Admitting the effect of your actions shows you understand and value the other person's feelings.
This is especially pertinent whenever a form of racial harm is felt. Even if we aren’t trying to offend someone, often our words and actions are influenced by racial bias. Explaining that you didn’t mean anything by a hurtful or derogatory remark is a natural defense mechanism – the panic that comes from accidentally making a racially insensitive remark is intense. But focusing on impact over intent and making sure that you consider your actions in the future is the best thing you can do to support the relationship.
Keeping It Concise
Apologies are meant for the hurt party. Of course, apologizing can lift some guilt on your part – one of the reasons we apologize is to make things right with ourselves. But when you’ve harmed someone, it is not their responsibility to make you feel better for what transpired. Excessive explanations can make the other person uncomfortable and may even dilute the sincerity of the apology.
A well-crafted apology should be succinct. Think back to the Lewicki research outlined above. Try to focus on the two most impactful components of an apology (Acknowledgement of Responsibility and Offer of Repair), without overexplaining or making the apology about yourself. A meandering apology that goes into the reasons why you did what you did doesn’t serve the person you are apologizing to – it only makes them more uncomfortable.
Apologizing in Practice
Let’s consider an example to illustrate the principles outlined above. Imagine you inadvertently made a racially insensitive comment during a meeting. Remember to focus on the impact of your statement and keep the apology succinct. If possible, try to hit on the six elements of an apology outlined in the Ohio State study. For example:
Expression of Regret: “I’m truly sorry for my comment during yesterday’s meeting.”
Explanation of What Went Wrong: “I realize that my words were thoughtless and hurtful.”
Acknowledgment of Responsibility: “I take full responsibility for what I said and the impact it had.”
Declaration of Repentance: “I am committed to being more mindful and educated about my language in the future.”
Offer of Repair: “If there’s anything I can do to make amends, please let me know.”
Request for Forgiveness: “I hope you can forgive me, and I’m eager to learn from this experience.”
This apology is short, to the point, and honest. It doesn’t focus on the reasons behind the remark, or the fact that it was inadvertent – it simply mentions that the words were thoughtful and harmless. It acknowledges that the words were said, and that the person apologizing is taking responsibility for them, and then offers to repair the mistake.
Apologies are Powerful Tools
You are going to make a mistake in your career. You will hurt people, even if you don’t intend to—that’s human, it’s natural. So own up to it, own your mistakes, and make an apology. Consider how you approach the apology, and make sure you’re centering the party who was hurt.
Apologies are opportunities to strengthen relationships. Most people will give you the benefit of the doubt, especially if you proactively make the apology. So why not make the most of a bad situation, admit fault, and apologize in a practical way that makes both parties feel better and strengthens the relationship overall?
Meridith Marshall is the CEO and Founder of Uncharted Way and has seen firsthand how people and organizations can navigate the most difficult of circumstances with clarity and openness to improve employee experience and culture in their workplace. She is an industry-recognized expert in using a data-driven approach and is a therapist and certified Co-Active coach.